ArtParasite posted an article submitted anonymously entitled THE UGLY SIDE OF BEING A SINGLE, ATTRACTIVE AND AVAILABLE HETEROSEXUAL WOMAN, where a young woman details her encounters with men who have sexually mistreated her. Who have assaulted her right was a consenting partner in casual sex to force her to do things she did not want to do.
This is important to address because we live in a world where Steve Harvey has built the bulk of his career and is now slanging bacon off of preaching relationship advice that puts the onus of the relationship on to women. Where the bad behavior of men is acknowledged as a problem that women need to find the solution to.
THE UGLY SIDE OF BEING A SINGLE, ATTRACTIVE AND AVAILABLE HETEROSEXUAL WOMAN is NOT rape. And we need to discuss firmly what rape is and why even if you are consenting to casual sex, because you’re a sexual human being, that you are allowed to have boundaries, firm boundaries that protect your body. Casual sex is not code for “easy” “whore” “assault” or “rape,” but rape culture is so ingrained into the patriarchy of our society, that casual sex is often pushed into the dark unsavory space, that allows women to be victim-blamed.
If you have not read the article, please stop and read it here. There’s a few incidents that I can relate to. A guy refusing to put a condom on and pushing himself inside of you. Men attempting to push your head down forcefully, or just immediately shoving their whole dick in your face because you’re obliged to bless their dick with your mouth. I come from the firm school of No. Hell to the no. Fuck your feelings, no. And I’ve still been caught in struggles where men don’t understand the boundaries of No. And I’m not referring to the coy, playful, I don’t want to do this but I want to do this “no.” But the clearly, loudly, aggressively, pleading no that is forcefully ignored.
What was so apparent in this article was that this young lady had no boundaries to begin with, putting her further out into the cold. A “lover” who shows up at your door with TWO other men, because you “get to have 3 guys at once.” And you spend hours with them haggling you while you say no? This is not victim-blaming or shaming. But we need to empower young women, older women, and all women to understand that it’s okay to have boundaries that keep you safe and make others uncomfortable. At no point should your obligation to keeping the peace come at the cost of violence against your body.
We have all been there, in moments where we are uncomfortable but say nothing, because we don’t want to offend others, don’t want to change the mood, or be the one to ruin the night.
Someone will argue over the murkiness in “no.” In that through society and experience we have learned that “no” at times can be playful, coy, and coerced into yes, without it coming anywhere close to rape. But this still speaks to the problem of rape culture in our society, because when has anyone had a conversation with you to let you know that when you mean “no” you can and should get loud, mad and aggressive with the person who is not responding to your wishes to stop. However when it comes to rape, we are so trained to believe that the first reaction is to think how did we get here? What did I do to cause this? We immediately blame ourselves for the violence projected by others, that we do everything but firmly lay out the boundaries, to keep from seeing it is as rape. We will elect to stay quiet, because of the fear of the fallout from exerting our own rights over our body. That is not okay.
The author closes out with “I’ve never been raped, and I only have a few nights I don’t remember, but I’ve been coerced time after time after time.” Dear Lord, Love. A few examples she gave were rape. Do not disvalue how hard it is to get a man off top of you when he is inside of you. No matter how skinny or small he is in real life. At the point where you’re attempting to and he’s exerting power to remain inside of you, you have crossed over to the area of assault/rape. There is no happy moment to save, so fuck his feelings and be as aggressive as you need to be to get him up and off of you.
Whether is a casual encounter, a regular sexual partner, a lover, a boyfriend or a husband, you are allowed to consent to sex and ask to stop during. How innocently asking for a break, to get up and pee, to just stop because it’s overwhelming, it hurts/the position is painful, it’s your damn body and you want to stop, can so quickly turn into a moment, where your body is no longer yours because society is not teaching men to respect women’s body. Sex can go wrong quickly and by no means does consenting to sex mean you’re consenting to carte blanche disregard for your body.
This is not about not participating in casual sex. Because you can save yourself, be as a pure as white doves and cotton white bed sheets, and still be in this position, because you were never taught that you have full rights over your body. It is not a piece of meat to be ravaged, but a delicacy to be respected and approached with the care that you want and deserve. Define what boundaries you need, how you want your body approached, and know that when your “no” is not heard that is sexual assault and rape.
You determine your sexuality and no one else.
Stay well, #SmartBrownGirls.
