This is a PSA, a friendly reminder, a save your soul and yourself message for my sisters. Men are not dumb, but they are lazy.
This is not to say that no dumb, ignorant men exist. I mean, what is Chris Brown or Lil Bow Wow. However, this is to say that my #SmartBrownGirls, as women who are striving to do better, are very likely dating men who meet them or match them on an intellectual level. At the very least he can hold a conversation with you, long enough that spending more than 15 minutes with them doesn’t feel like nail grating torture.
If you’re like me, finding men you like is not a frequent occasion. Not just attracted to, but you go on a date you ask him if he knows who Sotomayor (not Sonia), Nasheed or Umar are and he passes the woke and not a misogynist test so y’all wax poetics with ease together. He puts you in that mood when suddenly even India Arie’s music sounds appealing. Girl…the feels. But then it quickly goes south. He did just enough to get you elated and hopeful, then hits the stupid moment and does something that so simple to fix and yet he is unable. For me it’s typically around communication lapsing (watch: Waste My Time Summer ’16). Non-responsive during peak hours. Hits you up infrequently when you were previously having hour long g-chat conversations. Or y’all talk often, regularly, the “good morning beautiful” texts are always on time, but it never mosts talking. He never asks you out. Whatever it is, you’re knee jerk reaction is to pick up the phone and call your bestie to lambast about how dumb, stupid, out his God-given mind this negro is.
I literally had this conversation with my friend last week. She is very accomplished and a guy she met at work, who is just as accomplished as her, is aloof af. She think’s guys are just dumb and really don’t know when they’re sending us mixed signals. I say no. Since, we’re attracted to very intelligent men, they might be emotionally immature, but dumb they are not. They know better they’re just not moved to do better.
With dating advice, no matter who is giving it, it is almost as well telling women what they need to know better, if when it’s the man who is wrong. Be patient, stick beside him, be supportive. We are constantly told how to bend ourselves for less than behavior from our male partners. Yes, men are prone to being emotionally immature, as we societally are enveloped in a thwarted sense of masculinity. I might give one the benefit of addressing their aloof, emotional immaturity, but if he has no desire to work on emotional self, then I have no interest in mothering someone through the dating experience.
If you’re looking to date seriously, then you treat people you’re interested in with a sort care that implies you’re looking to keep them around for the long haul. This is a fair expectation to place on people you are romantically interested in. We as woman do not need to continually make excuses for bad behavior. Have people meet you at your level. Know what you bring to the table and make sure that anyone you entertain respects that, and you will do the same for them.
The author Jouelzy
Jouelzy is a #SmartBrownGirl, Author, Vlogger & Writer, addressing lifestyle issues that impact women of color from beauty, culture to technology. With 162k+ subscribers she’s reshaping the image of women of color, who honor their right to revel in their diversity.