My favorite past time on Snapchat + Twitter (sn: @jouelzy) is throwing shade at the Zodiac signs. What fun can’t be found in overgeneralizing based on one element of one’s birth chart? So let me guide you in using the Zodiac to avoid the crazies and find the one who has just enough ego for you.


For those more seriously interested in astrology, I’ve done a video with my astrologer Sam Reynolds, that is chock full of all the detail you need. Plus he is absolutely awesome to get a reading with.  There is much more to defining a person’s characteristics then the sun sign that most of us identify by. This post is *just* generalizations. If you want to know more, birth chart done and at least know your sun, your rising and moon sign. Now, let’s get into the fun of over generalizing about the menfolk and the fuckboys.


Ah ha! My sun sign. I have never dated another Aries, cause it’s just never worked. Aries all battle with how much they give a fuck, while knowing that we give a fuck. Like do I really want to get dressed for this date, but don’t I want to look cute for me, but what happens when we married and they roll over, shouldn’t the face they wake up to be the face that they love? Quirky sense of style because they don’t care but they care but they always unbothered.


I like Taurus…they do great things when the lights are off. But Taurus all seek to be understood and to understand. Though for the men that understanding usually comes after the fact. They want to talk shit out when it’s too damn late, cause they waited to the last minute to fix some shit. With an infinite lazy streak in them, slow and steady, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

They crazy. They are manipulative. Why must we always be slandered? Cause y’all deserve it! Kanye ain’t doing any service to y’all reputation. It’s just a lot of ego with Geminis but they have a genuine curiosity that to them makes them feel like they have a better perception of the world than others. Typically they do have a deeper understanding but it doesn’t come from a place of compassion —- hence the manipulation that they just see as protecting said ego and self, when really it’s playing mind games cause you think you smarter than the next person. And they are good at, cause a Gemini man will sit and talk with you FOR HOURs, not talk at you or silently listen but engage in you in intimate conversation and have you thinking there’s some special connection till he flips some shit and accuses you of the same things he actually does to you. GIRL…just RUN fast and far away.

Water signs get a tough rep, Pisces Scorpio and Cancer but I find Cancers to be the most enjoyable and least lethal, tho that’s not saying much. Cancers love they momma. You better like they momma too cause ain’t no one overstepping that relationship. They can be hella romantic, openly emotional and just as jealous or overbearing. They are the most like to be petty af and publicly slut shame you and most likely to watch Hidden Colors and turn full blown hotep. Cancers can be fun to turn up with you just have to make sure they not turning upside your head.

I have never batted an eyelash at a Leo, they always give me the lazy fuck vibe and I’m not trying to test that theory, I’m just sticking with it, unless Obama wanna holla, no disrespect Michelle! This does not go for the women, because as Leo is the Lion, the Lioness is the hunter/worker in the relationship.


Their quirky awkwardness can manifest in so many ways cause they are so busy overthinking everything. Beyonce has given Virgos A LOT of come-up but she isn’t known for being the best in interviews. Virgo men, I’m hesitantly good on, cause if they’re so hard on themselves, once they are comfortably in love with someone how hard will they be on that person and their expectations of them? And they are NOT linear thinkers, so good luck with trying to get them to explain their explanations. This is another sign that does well, both men & women with folks with feminine signs like Pisces.

The beautiful people that can’t never ever make up their minds and have the slow burn but in a blink hit 0 to 100 chop someone in the neck out of no where temperament. The peacekeeper with the bad temper on the low. They are big on presentation, and that does’t necessarily mean dress, but also status, how you perceive them and their way of life, home, career, etc. Just watch out of that temper bi-hah.


My rising sign is Gemini, which means I’m big on communication. With a Taurus moon I like to talk through my emotions and Scorpio is the least communicative on an emotional level. Do not let Drake fool you, he’s a lie. A fallacy that likes to sing about surface emotions that don’t mean shit like talking about how he feels about your new boyfriend, or the man he thinks is your new boyfriend. No never mind about actually discussing Y’ALL relationship. Classic scorpio behavior. While they definitely have a dark side, how dark and how it manifests depends on the other signs in their birth chart. Like all water signs (Pisces, Cancer and Scorpio) they have a giving side, though it’s usually when the lights and clothes are off – that is when their vulnerabilities come out. As soon as the light switches on, they’ve pushed all this shit deep into the recess of their mind. They are a slow build in relationships because it takes so long for them to come out of themselves, even when they do talk about their feelings it is so in tuned with “I” and protecting “I” you gonna have to work thru how many ways you can see “so you really didn’t think about me, about you and I?”


Oh girl, they fun till shit go left and then they first to be like wasn’t me, nope not taking the fault in any parts of this. Though they will protect their shit and come for you if they even *think* you did something that compromises their well being, whether you had any parts in or not, forget about having the opportunity to explain. But they are the most outwardly friendly, they keep a rotation of diverse people in their life. Competitive, assured and fun to be around, just don’t wait for any apologies.


The strategic hoe. Whether consciously or subconsciously they will always do what’s best for them in the long run. The most disciplined though unlike Virgo’s they are not as wiry and dry and they are much more linear in thought. But that hoe game be strong because the men see themselves as leaders, provocateurs, strong back ass negroes that are shall be allotted their time to be thotful until they are ready to settle down. They are the capricious ghoster, cut a hoe off so as a whiff of messiness is in the air. No might be their favorite word.


Simp ass fuckboys! I should be nice as my whole family is Aquarius and I always have an Aquarian close friend, but they are still the MOST aloof ever. I don’t know if I could date one, because with friends and family, they just think and see the world differently. To everyone else it can come across like they have blinders on, as though they are being super selfish. For me, it always feels like I have to be ready to do and give more than I can expect from them in order for the friendship to work. That aloofness tho, is hard to deal with when this is someone your emotional and intimately connected to. While romantic and airy, they will be like “oh yeah, I’m not available cause I need to study” but will be out the next day (before the test) with friends. Aquarius are also big on appearances (like their partnering air signs, Libra & Gemini) so they do make good parents, both my Mom and sister revel in the identity of being a good suburban Mom. They’re most likely to attach themselves to a strict lifestyle, like raw veganism or an orthodox religion, partially because they don’t know how to set boundaries on their own. It’s so weird girl…free flying but want to perceived a certain so their go hard with a particular lifestyle.


Pretty & petty with a superior love for the woman’s body. There’s two fish in the Pisces symbol. They can be pious & asexual or hoe hoe hoe swimming in the padussy. They have an infinite ability to say something they believe in the moment, then *blink* and they didn’t mean it. Outwardly sensitive, a lover of nice things, material tangible things, and just soft. This is a very feminine sign. He might be a man’s man, but he gonna love to cuddle and spoon and lay up and under your booty at all times. They need attention, as they will notice if you did not ask them how their day is going and can hold a grudge that they don’t confront you about until 7 months later, where they remember step by step everything that happened and you sitting here like “why didn’t you say something THEN! I have no clue what you’re talking?!” They can also be conspiracy theorists, mostly the pious & asexual types, lead with a strong distrust in people’s intentions. I just have a hard time, because they are so outwardly sensitive, passive aggressive a la petty boots and you know I believe words mean things, you can’t back pedal too much.

Did we get everybody? Now just remember your birth chart matters, because you can take any of these signs and a person with strong opposing signs in their Rising or Moon will not fit a lot of the generalities of their Sun sign. But have fun, harmless overgeneralized shade is always fun to throw every once in awhile. What’s the sign you steer clear of in dating?