I posted a snippet of this on Instagram the other day. If you didn’t know, now you know. I is crazy. I give not a single fuck. I’m going to live how I want to live and that’s just it. I believe in honesty. That’s how I communicate. That’s how I choose to deal. And unfortunately most people can’t deal with it. I believe we are so trained to sift through the bullshit, read into what someone is saying, and believe that people only say what makes them look good & what you want to hear. That can be true a lot of the time, but there’s a way to perceive it and wearing this outer armor of distrust, ain’t it — because most people, if you give them an inch of rope will hang themselves.

Which leads us to the base of this letter. I met a guy. I liked said guy. Said guy liked me. We’ve kept in touched over two years. Neither are in a space to be in a relationship. But we’re adults. We cool. We hung out earlier this year, met up at a big event for the weekend. He asked that I come to Miami, where he resides. I came. Vacay? Why not! 2.5 days, I’ma chill, we going to do the grown up, I’m going to hope on the plane and leave any emotional baggage right at the airport. Right? Nah girl. I can’t even say what happened, cause the shit makes not an ounce of sense. I literally watched a man unable to communicate or deal with his own emotions pull some mysterious shit out his ass and start the most asinine of arguments with me. Like seriously if I tell you it will only lead to more questions and this is about as much back story as anyone is finna get.

What were we arguing over? I asked him for a kiss…

Now look at you scratching your head with a million and one questions to figure out why, how, what? Girl are you serious? Yes…And he was very, very, very upset. I watched a 30 year old man work himself into a fit, like a toddler who is fighting sleep and works them self up into a tantrum.

What does one do after a fight? We went to the strip club. Well first we went to the comedy club with his friends and then He decided we should go to the strip club. That’s another story unto itself, as I was bit, YES BIT!, by a young lady who because it was her birthday felt that she had every right to take me home. I can’t make this stuff up if I tried. Homeboy obviously got the optimal kick out of, as he puts it, of me being viewed as a “bag of skittles” by some of the female patrons in the club. And then after the observation of how generally cool I am, I get “You really just wanted a kiss?”

My last day there, my flight was at 6. He slept until about 3pm. And then after I announced that I was over it, just take me to the airport — we get outside and the strangest thing happens. He begins to apologize for wasting such a beautiful day. This negro seriously spent the whole ride to the airport giving an apology because he knows I’ll probably never come back. But it didn’t feel like an apology to me. It was more of a talking out loud and I just happened to be in the car to hear it. There was no pause for discussion or concern about how I felt. So, I got on the plane and we haven’t spoken on the phone since. Actually I texted him to call me a week later. He called. I said I was offended, he said he wasn’t in a good mode so he would call me later. That never happened, but he has taken to sporadically texting me as if everything is okay.

Welp, if you’re not going to give me any sort of acknowledgement to what happened, then I need to let you know what it is. I talked to my homegirl, prior to sending the email and she strongly advise against it. It’s doing too much, it’s putting myself out there when he clearly doesn’t care. Yeah girl all that and every Rob Hill Sr. quote was not finna to keep me from expressing myself. With every relationship, friends, family, lover….every person in my life has uttered the words: “I wasn’t concerned about you cause I knew you would be okay” or “You always figure things out, I don’t worry about you.” I’m sure they mean it out of love, but it’s annoying. I am definitely apt at picking myself and figuring out how to survive in any situation. But while I might not express my feelings, I have them…the same as every other human being. And I want them to be acknowledged. So since he can’t, I decided I would for him. Texted him first and asked if he cared to explain what had happened. *Crickets* So then I hit send.

This email just delights me in every way. However, I’m not putting all of my business out there, so you’ll only be reading the later half of the email.

 

From: “J”
Subject: A Long Ass Note…
Date: August 3, 2013 1:05:10 AM EDT
To:
I’m finna to send this and I’m not even sure about your email or if you even read email. Lmao, someone has to read this shit.

 

————————

[redacted]

[redacted]

Typically I send the email as soon as the shit hits the fan. Cut it off at the root, so I can get over it, learn from it , move on and try to do better. This situation was such a clusterfuck that made absolutely no sense, I didn’t even know to respond. No matter how I look at it or spin it, I just don’t get how my only expectation couldn’t be fulfilled. I wanted respect. And respect is not a material pursuit of you paying for fast food and cocktails. To wit, as treacherous as a lot of women can be, your coins don’t excite me. You work far too hard for your money and in the most respectful way I can put this, you don’t make enough for me to even entertain the idea of laying on my back for a hamburger & banana shake or, to quail your previous concerns, to get pregnant, go through the 9months of gestation with no sex, and then push out what’s guaranteed to be a big headed being out of my very tight vagina, for the prospect of nickels from you. My nigga, no…dumbest shit ever. Yes, your statement about how much you’ve done for me was utterly offensive.

As much as I wanted to have empathy/sympathy for your situation, in understanding that working as hard as you do and to still finding that simple comforts aren’t that simple to attain, these are not conversations that we ever had. Your wall of distrust doesn’t allow for much past superficial conversations and I was okay with that because for me this was a situation of comfort and respect. A moment to exhale and just enjoy the moment, leaving any excess baggage at the airport. I wanted to enjoy the moment so much, that when whatever was actually on your mind was so overwhelming that you had shut down from an meaningful conversation, I put my mouth on it, to relax the mood.

Yes, it’s more than bothersome to me that a man, who I’ve opened myself to, would insinuate that I just sexually gallivant around with my various male friends. Mostly because I live in honesty, then because I genuinely do not like people, so the few I do whether friends or ambiguous (as you put it) ‘best’ friend relationships, matter to me – I don’t waste time; and lastly I don’t have good enough medical insurance to be a hoe. You can ask about a pap smear, but ask your next fuck buddy about BV and HPV, if you really want to be informed.

[redacted]

I do wish you well sir. I think you’re smart and have a ton of potential. Hopefully you’ll find someone who will open you up to new worlds of exploration and you can benefit.  Read some Paulo Coelho in the mean time.

Deuces.

J

 

A Long Ass Note“, is a short story from the book Send It On by Jouelzy. Available for purchase via CreatespaceAmazon and e-book stores internationally.